OSCAR BREAKDOWN 2K15

It’s been a really strong year in regards to my apathy about award shows. I didn’t even finish watching the Golden Globes, and if I did watch the Emmys, I completely forgot it. This is good for me! Awards don’t matter, after all, unless it’s the Jackson Hole Elementary Spelling Bee Award, of which I am a proud recipient.

But, as there is no Nobel Prize for film and I have no way of getting to Cannes to give my personal opinion on what should win the Palme d’Or, so I talk about the Oscars instead. Heeeeere we go.

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Nominees: American Sniper, Birdman, Boyhood, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, Selma, The Theory of Everything, Whiplash

My Pick: If the gods are good, Birdman.

What I’d Like To Win: Birdman!

The heat of the debate in the Oscar-invested community is whether or not Linklater’s “TOUR DE FORCE” (a term I loathe, much like this movie!) Boyhood is going to take the golden man, or Iñárritu’s fascinating, complex character piece Birdman will.

By, uh. By description alone you can tell what I’m rooting for.

Both films were small, intimate pieces, that both had massive concepts behind them; Boyhood, with it’s twelve years of filmmaking, and Birdman, with it’s long, single-takes shots, seamlessly weaved together. However, when you take the concepts out and look at the individual elements of the film side by side, one clearly towers over the other in terms of quality and entertainment. Birdman has a vibrant cast who pour their heart and souls to their character, much like their characters pour their hearts and souls at each other. The script itself also weaves in with the one-take concept, considering it’s about the staging of a play which, in their own way, are done in “one take”. The movie feels like a play, which is why the concept works so well. However, the film would also work well without the concept.

Boyhood, on the other hand, has a striking concept as well, but the script fails to elevate it to any other level other than “IT TOOK SO LONG TO FILM LOOK!!!” which just reads as sort of manipulative, to me. The lead character is so incredibly drab it makes the movie hard to sit through. The dialogue is all things that been explored in previous Linklater films, and I just…. I just don’t care. At all. That’s it.

I’d be pretty okay if The Grand Budapest Hotel won as well, since Wes Anderson is awesome and he should be universally recognized as such.

There’s also another minor controversy in the Best Picture category, regarding the fact that only 8/10 slots for nominations are filmed. And I guess they just decided to… ignore Gone Girl… A Most Violent Year… Foxcatcher et cetera… but, what’cha gonna do. Last year I was upset that they snubbed Inside Llewyn Davis, and now I’m realizing that the Academy just actually doesn’t care about our feelings.

I mean, they nominated American Sniper for BEST PICTURE. That really just says it all, doesn’t it?

Nominees: The Grand Budapest Hotel,  Birdman, Boyhood, Foxcatcher, The Imitation Game

My Pick: Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman

What I’d Like To Win: Iñárritu, no contest, but it would actually be really nice to see Wes get his!

As someone who has always championed technicality and artistry, Iñárritu is the clear frontrunner in my head. The amount of detail, dynamics, and complexities shown through the direction alone in Birdman is unparalleled by anything this year.

But of course, instead of painstaking attention to detail and fascinating camera work, the Academy is probably just going to give it to fucking Linklater, because IT TOOK TWELVE YEARS THAT’S SO LONG WOW!!! (Even though I can only take so many medium shots before I want to actually burn down the movie theater).

Still, my official pick is going to be Alejandro because for some reason I still have hope that the Academy will actually do right by me, truly showcasing my naivety.

It would be nice to see Wes Anderson get an Oscar for best director, but at this point it’s just sort of giving him one out of consolation for having such a unique and interesting style all these years. If he won, I wouldn’t be mad about it.

Also I can’t really fathom how Morten Tyldum (Imitation Game) is nominated over Damien Chazelle (Whiplash) and  Ava DuVernay (Selma) but I mean, at least it’s not Clint Eastwood.

Nominees: Steve Carell, Bradley Cooper, Benedict Cumberbatch, Michael Keaton, Eddie Redmayne

My Pick: Michael Keaton

Who I’d Like To Win: Michael Keaton

If you guys didn’t know, I kind of liked the movie Birdman. That says it all about my choice.

Keaton’s biggest competitor so far this award season has been Eddie Redmayne however, who definitely showcased his ability in The Theory of Everything. He did a terrific job. But it was nowhere near as nuanced as Keaton’s. But the possibility of Eddie getting the award is incredibly high because what they say about actors playing people with disabilities getting Oscars is actually 100% true.

There were a lot of snubs in this category. Namely,  Jake Gyllenhaal who was absolutely electrifying in Nightcrawler, as well as David Oyelowo (Selma) and Ralph Fiennes (Grand Budapest) who were both completely washed over in lieu of Bradley Cooper who… I mean, he’s a fine actor and all but did you really, really have to nominate him? DID YOU REALLY? The Academy is shoving American Sniper down my throat and I can’t stand it.

Nominees:  Marion Cotillard, Felicity Jones, Julianne Moore, Rosamund Pike, Reese Witherspoon

My Pick: Julianne Moore

Who I’d Like To Win: Rosamund Pike

You know what they say. Play someone with an illness or disability and you get an Oscar. Not to dig on Julianne Moore because she is a consistently great actress, but when they give her an award this year, it will really be more of a lifetime achievement award than the Best Actress of Last Year. Still Alice was a fine movie (I didn’t talk about it in my catch up reviews, mostly because I was watching it while I was writing them), and she did a really really good job, but… Rosamund was still better, in my eyes. She was pretty much the sole reason I went back to see Gone Girl so many times, because her interpretation of that now infamous character was just so, so stellar.

Oh well.

Nominees: Robert Duvall, Ethan Hawke, Edward Norton, Mark Ruffalo, J.K. Simmons

My Pick: J.K. Simmons

What I’d Like To Win: Ed, Mark, or J.K.

Man, Whiplash was a freakin’ awesome movie.

Also this might be the category I hate the least! None of these people bothered me! I mean Ethan Hawke has never been my guy but I actually also didn’t hate him in Boyhood either. The thing I hated about Boyhood was the boy, which wasn’t really his fault, so y’know.

J.K. Simmons gonna win though, don’t even fool yourself into thinking anything different.

Nominees: Patricia Arquette, Laura Dern, Keira Knightly, Emma Sone, Meryl Streep

My Pick: Patricia Arquette

What I’d Like To Win: Emma Stone

I’m actually okay with Patricia Arquette winning for Boyhood because she was the sole reason I didn’t smash my face into my computer while watching that bland, palaver-filled nonsense.

Emma was really good in Birdman though, and convinced me she was actually a real actress and not your run of the mill teen drama girl, so that was cool.

I don’t know why Keira Knightly is nominated at all because her performance wasn’t exactly life changing, but I guess slim pickings this year? Whatever.

Nominees: Citizenfour, Finding Vivian Maier, Last Days in Vietnam, The Salt of the Earth, Virunga

My Pick: Citizenfour

What I’d Like To Win: I dunno. Whatever. My favorite doc of the year wasn’t even nominated, so.

Admittedly I didn’t watch every documentary this year, but I did watch Citizenfour, which is apparently the front runner. It makes sense because it’s definitely the most topical documentary out of this particular bunch, and it was some really compelling stuff.

I’m pretty sad my Jodorowsky doc didn’t make the cut, but I think even documentaries about him are too abstract for the Academy to handle. Understandably so.

Nominees: Big Hero 6, The Boxtrolls, How to Train Your Dragon 2, Song of the Sea, The Tale of Princess Kaguya

My Pick: How to Train Your Dragon 2

What I’d Like To Win: The Lego Movie :(((

The Academy Awards do not give a single fuck about animated films. This is common knowledge. I didn’t even see How to Train Your Dragon 2 but it’s probably gonna win because it’s the one with the most buzz around it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they gave it to the Disney vehicle like they have for the past two years, though.

The Lego Movie and The Book of Life got screwed. F you, Academy. I thought I trusted you with the Animated Feature category after Rango won in 2011 but you’ve spit in my face since then, and you should be ashamed.

Nominees: Ida, Leviathan, Tangerines, Timbuktu, Wild Talkes

My Pick: Ida

What I’d Like To Win: Is it too early for Xavier Dolan’s Mommy to win? Yes? #MOMMY2K16

I didn’t brush up on my Foreign films this year, whoops. Hollywood Reporter says Ida, I’ll just go with them.

Nominees:  American Sniper, Boyhood, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, Whiplash

My Pick: Boyhood

What I’d Like To Win: Whiplash god damn!!!

I can’t believe American Sniper is nominated, that is actually laughable.

Anyway the editing was probably the best part Boyhood so I guess they’re gonna win, even though Whiplash’s cuts were soooo well executed, god DAMN.

And I’m actually offended and appalled that Gone Girl wasn’t nominated for editing but I’m starting to learn that life just isn’t fair.

Nominees: The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, Interstellar, Into the Woods, Mr. Turner

My Pick: Grand Budapest

What I’d Like To Win: Grand Budapest

Say what you want about Wes Anderson & his team of pals, but they know how to design a fucking set. Outstanding as usual, corporeal.

Though the design in Interstellar was the best part of the movie, and the design in Into the Woods was absolutely 100% perfect and true to the musical, so either of those winning would be A-okay with me as well.

Nominees: Birdman, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Ida, Mr. Turner, Unbroken

My Pick: Birdman

What I’d Like To Win: Birdman do not even talk to me right now

Look we can all appreciate Wes Anderson and his color schemes and flawless symmetry but don’t mess with me on this one aight thanks bye

Nominees: Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Guardians of the Galaxy, Interstellar, X-Men: Days of Future Past

My Pick: Intersellar

What I’d Like To Win: This is a fun category!!! Let’s make everything win!!

2014 was an awesome year for popcorn movies, you guys. Cap 2, the new Apes movie, Guardians… all of those movies were like, wonderful. I felt more emotions in Captain America 2 than I did for Boyhood, and Cap 2 was a freakin’ huge studio blockbuster while Boyhood was the small indie arthouse thing. Like, what parallel universe have I stumbled into?

As this category is for visual effects though, I’m gonna have to go with Nolan. Good stuff this year, bros.

Nominees: Foxcatcher, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Guardians of the Galaxy

My Pick: Grand Budapest

What I’d Like To Win: They were all good, and I’m really not picky about makeup.

I dunno, I liked Tilda Swinton’s getup and Saoirse’s birthmark shaped like Mexico. Steve Carell’s nose was pretty fun though.

Nominees: The Grand Budapest Hotel, Inherent Vice, Into the Woods, Maleficent, Mr. Turner

My Pick: Grand Budapest

What I’d Like To Win: Grand Budapest

Not picky about this category either, but dem colors!!

Nominees: The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, Interstellar, Mr. Turner, The Theory of Everything

My Pick: The Theory of Everything

What I’d Like To Win: The Grand Budapest Hotel, but only because my fav’s weren’t nominated.

This category wins the Oscar for “Category Maddison Hates the Most this Year” because Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross’s soundtrack for Gone Girl was a pivotal factor in why that movie worked so well and they didn’t even nominate it. Also, Birdman’s score was completely out there and AWESOME and yet of course The Academy are gonna go with the safe route, picking whatever sounds the closest to a John Williams score (not to dig on him because Jurassic Park is my shit) because they’re boring old white people who don’t actually know anything about music.

Nominees: The Lego Movie, Selma, Beyond the Lights, Glen Campbell: I’ll Be Me, Begin Again

My Pick: Glory, Selma

What I’d Like To Win: Glory or…. EVERYTHING IS AWESOMMMEE!!!

I’m picking Glory because Common is the shit.

If Everything is Awesome wins, though, then The Lonely Island will be on their way to an EGOT which would I think just be a big boost in morale for this country.

Nominees: American Sniper, Birdman, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, Interstellar, Unbroken

My Pick: American Sniper

What I’d Like To Win: I dunno, Birdman I guess ‘cuz I like that movie best.

For a space movie, Interstellar’s sound was wweeeeirdly off-par, especially when you compare it to last year’s Gravity. Dunno why it’s nominated, but whatever.

Nominees: American Sniper, Birdman, Interstellar, Unbroken, Whiplash

My Pick:  Whiplash

What I’d Like To Win: Whiplash

Too bad Into the Woods isn’t nominated, I thought their mix was swell; plus it’s pretty hard to pull off a musical that effectively. Whiplash’s mix was DOPE though so I’m hoping for a win there–though it’s a competition between that and American Propaganda Sniper.

Nominees: American Sniper, The Imitation Game, Inherent Vice, The Theory of Everything, Whiplash

My Pick:  The Imitation Game

What I’d Like To Win:  Inherent Vice because that’s actually just great that it’s nominated honestly. Go PTA!

Cannot believe

they nominated

the bullshit script

that was American Sniper

over Gone Girl

that is just

obscene

No lie, Gone Girl was maybe my favorite screenplay of the entire year and they just…. wow. Wow. Wooow. Wow. I try so hard not to buy into the “The Academy is Sexist!!!” thing but this shit…

Nominees: Birdman, Boyhood, Foxcatcher, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Nightcrawler

My Pick: The Grand Budapest Hotel

What I’d Like To Win: ANYTHING BUT BOYHOOD. RE-NOMINATE AMERICAN HUSTLE FROM LAST YEAR, I WOULD RATHER SEE THAT WIN THAN THE DRAB, DISCONNECTED, STONER-WISDOM SPOUTING NONSENSE THAT WAS BOYHOOD

Please Wes. Crush Linklater. Just crush him.

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Welp, that’s it for my picks. Who will win? Who’s speech will move us to tears? When will all the existing Academy members will die? What alien species will overrun our planet first? Time will tell!

Maddison’s Emmy Breakdown

Every time any of these awards shows rolls around, I find myself asking, “Why do I care so much? What purpose do these hokey award ceremonies serve? What is the point?”

Last night during the ever-so-acclaimed VMA’s, I saw people ranting on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, about the great tragedy that was Beyonce getting robbed by Katy Perry. My first reaction to this was to shake my head and say, “who actually cares?” But now I am realizing how incredibly hypocritical that is of me. During the Emmys last year, I tweeted a picture of my friend’s brother’s spear and noted (jokingly [maybe]) that that was the article i was going to commit seppuku with if the Big Bang Theory won in any category it was nominated in.

My attitude towards such things have not changed in the slightest. I don’t have the spear on hand tonight, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Earlier in the year I remember driving around Los Angeles and seeing all of the billboards plastered with various series, actors, all with the classic slogan, For Your Consideration. It was almost fascinating, seeing all the shows put themselves out there like that, and I wonder what it’s all for. Critical acclaim in being an Emmy Winning Television Program? The much sought-after reverence it beholds? Because truly, what does an Emmy do? I couldn’t name you one show that one an Emmy five years ago. I could probably hazard a guess that it was like, Mad Men or something, but even so, do I really care?

Again: what is the point?

I really don’t know.

But I have a bet with my friend over 100 dollars in who’s picks are better, so I guess I’ll write this article anyway.

Nominees:

• Andre Braugher (Brooklyn Nine Nine)
• Adam Driver (Girls)
• Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
• Ty Burrell (Modern Family)
• Fred Armisen (Portlandia)
• Tony Hale (Veep)

My Pick: Andre Braugher

Who I’d Like to Win: Andre, Adam Driver, literally anyone exept the nerds from Modern Family

I don’t know about you all but I am absolutely exhausted by the Modern Family sweeps. With such enriching and fascinating comedy programs out there, why do the Emmy’s always pick safe? I’m done. Brooklyn 99 is a refreshing sitcom and Andre deserves it.

Nominees:

• Mayim Bialik (The Big Bang Theory)
• Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
• Allison Janney (Mom)
• Kate Mulgrew (Orange Is The New Black)
• Kate McKinnon (SNL)
• Anna Chlumsky (Veep)

My Pick: Kate Mulgrew

Who I’d Like to Win: Kate Mulgrew

I might be a little biased because as far as comedy this year goes, Orange Is The New Black, Louie, and Girls pack the punch. I’d say Brooklyn Nine Nine does as well, but unfortunately it’s not nominated in half the categories it deserves it, so I’ll go with the next best thing. Kate Mulgrew slays with “Red” on Orange is the New Black, and deserves every bit of recognition. I, in fact, wonder why half the cast of OITNB isn’t nominated here.

Nominees:

• Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
• Jim Carter (Downton Abbey)
• Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones)
• Josh Charles (The Good Wife)
• Mandy Patinkin (Homeland)
• Jon Voight (Ray Donovan)

My Pick: Aaron Paul. Please.

Who I’d Like to Win: AARON PAUL. PLEASE.

LOOK THE REST OF Y’ALL CAN WIN YOUR EMMY’S NEXT YEAR. THIS IS THE LAST YEAR FOR AARON TO NAB A THIRD ONE AND HE FREAKIN’ DESERVES IT OKAY?! YOU CANNOT LOOK ME IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW AND TELL ME THAT AFTER WATCHING JESSE PINKMAN GET SMASHED INTO THE GROUND TIME AND TIME AGAIN ONLY TO BE RELEASED IN THE MOST LIBERATING AND JOYOUS OF FASHIONS THAT HE DOES NOT DESERVE IT.

DON’T TOUCH ME.

DON’T TOUCH ME!

Nominees:

• Anna Gun (Breaking Bad)
• Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey)
• Joanne Froggatt (Downton Abbey)
• Lena Headey (Game of Thrones)
• Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
• Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)

My Pick: Anna Gun

Who I’d Like to Win: Anna Gun, Christine Baranski

This is a little tougher race because The Good Wife just had arguably it’s best season ever. However it’s hard to beat Anna’s stellar performance in what was a near perfect final season of Breaking Bad. Maggie Smith and Lena Headey also brought the fire as usual, but I don’t think it’s their year.

Nominees:

• Colin Hanks (Fargo)
• Jim Parsons (The Normal Heart)
• Joe Mantello (The Normal Heart)
• Alfred Molina (The Normal Heart)
• Matt Bomer (The Normal Heart)
• Martin Freeman (Sherlock)

My Pick: Oh. Well. Uh. Matt Bomer, I guess.

Who I’d Like to Win: Uh. I dunno. Whoever.

Wow. I guess we know what’s winning best TV movie.

Nominees:

• Frances Conroy (American Horror Story)
• Kathy Bates (American Horror Story)
• Angela Bassett (American Horror Story)
• Allison Tolman (Fargo)
• Ellen Burstyn (Flowers in the Attic)
• Julia Roberts (The Normal Heart)

My Pick: Allison Tolman

Who I’d Like to Win: Man, I don’t really care.

It’s funny how AHS is getting nominated out the wazoo when this last season was objectively it’s worst. But I’m not complaining. Allison Tolman did a great job channeling her inner Frances McDormand, so I’ll say the award goes to her.

Nominees:

• Benadryl Pumpkinpatch (Sherlock)
• Chiwetel Ejiofor (Dancing on the Edge)
• Idris Elba (Luther)
• Martin Freeman (Fargo)
• Mark Ruffalo (The Normal Heart)
• Billy Bob Thornton (Fargo)

My Pick: Billy Bob Thornton

Who I’d Like to Win: Martin Freeman

Again, maybe I’m biased because Fargo is one of my favorite movies and the series this year was just a feat of marvelous storytelling. Thornton killed it, and so did Freeman, but I think the Emmy will go to who channeled the most crazy.

Nominees:

• Helena Bonham Carter (Burton and Taylor)
• Minnie Driver (Return to Zero)
• Jessica Lange (American Horror Story)
• Sarah Paulson (American Horror Story)
• Cicely Tyson (The Trip to Bountiful)
• Kristen Wiig (The Spoils of Babylon)

My Pick: Cicely Tyson

Who I’d Like to Win: I don’t care really.

Tyson won a Tony for this performance so I guess they might as well give her an Emmy too.

Nominees:

• Louis CK (Louie)
• Don Cheadle (House of Lies)
• Ricky Gervais (Derek)
• Matt LeBlanc (Episodes)
• William H. Macy (Shameless)
• Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)

My Pick: Louie

Who I’d Like to Win: Literally anyone but Jim Parsons

I am so over The Big Bang Theory’s existence. I am over the mere idea of it being a show that people watch. Jim Parsons is a good guy and all, but this needs to end. In the year where Louis CK is nominated for almost every comedic award, I guess I’ll pick him. He’s not much of an actor, but I’ll be damned if I don’t love what he does. Ricky Gervais also pulled off a very controversial performance with ease, so it’d be great to see him get it also.

Nominees:

• Lena Dunham (Girls)
• Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Veep)
• Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly)
• Amy Poehler (Parks & Rec)
• Taylor Schilling (Orange is the New Black)

My Pick: Taylor Schilling

Who I’d Like to Win: Amy Poehler, Taylor Schilling

So Julia Louis-Dreyfus is probably going to win but out of my own stubborn spirit I’m going to pick Taylor Schilling anyway because of her amazingly cognizant and meticulously neurotic characterization in Orange is the New Black. It’d be nice to see Amy Poehler finally win for Parks and Rec, though.

Nominees:

• Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
• Jeff Daniels (The Newsroom)
• Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
• Woody Harrelson (True Detective)
• Matthew McConaughey (True Detective)
• Kevin Spacey (House Of Cards)

My Pick: Oh man. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Uh. Uh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Matthew McConaughey. I’m picking him. Okay.

Who I’d Like to Win: Any and all of these gentleman are extraordinarily deserving of the award. I would be stoked if any one of them won. What a time to be alive.

THIS IS THE CONTROVERSIAL ONE FOR ME. I bet y’all thought I was going to pick B. Cranst, didn’t ya? DIDN’T YA? And hey, man, I’m just as surprised as you are. Last October, I though Cranston was locked in for this year. But alas, the McConaissance is upon us. It’s rolling fast downhill, like a wheel. Or a flat circle. Or something.

Nominees:

• Lizzy Caplan (Masters of Sex)
• Claire Danes (Homeland)
• Michelle Dockery (Downton Abbey)
• Julianna Marguelies (The Good Wife)
• Kerry Washington (Scandal)
• Robin Wright (House of Cards)

My Pick: Robin Wright

Who I’d Like to Win: Again, any and all of these ladies are incredibly deserving. What a year for dramatic television it’s been.

But where the hell is Tatiana Maslany?!

Nominees:

• The Colbert Report
• The Daily Show
• Jimmy Kimmel Live
• Real Time With Bill Maher
• Saturday Night Live
• The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

My Pick: Colbert

Who I’d Like to Win: Colb or Jstew

The circle was broken last year when after a however-many-years-long stretch, The Colbert Report defeated The Daily Show. It was a shock and awe to us all but, c’mon, after that dance montage to Get Lucky, how could Stephen not win? I think that ball’s just gonna keep rolling.

Nominees:

• American Horror STory
• Bonnie & Clyde
• Fargo
• Luther
• Treme
• The White Queen

My Pick: Fargo

Who I’d Like to Win: Fargo

Fargo was just so good you guys. Everything else is noise.

Nominees:

• Killing Kennedy
• Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight
• The Normal Heart
• Sherlock: His Last Vow
• The Trip To Bountiful

My Pick: The Normal Heart

Who I’d Like to Win: Sherlock, but for S2E1 as opposed to S3E3.

I didn’t watch The Normal Heart. But I know it’s going to win because everyone eats up whatever Ryan Murphy feeds them.

Nominees:

• The Big Bang Theory
• Louie
• Modern Family
• Orange is the New Black
• Silicon Valley
• Veep

My Pick: Orange is the New Black

Who I’d Like to Win: OITNB, Louie

Look at this list of nominees. Look at it. How the hell is it that schlock like BBT and Modern fucking Family get nominated alongside Louie? OITNB? Even Veep and Silicon Valley? HOW? HOW?! Furthermore, how were they nominated over other amazing series like Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Girls? Parks & Rec? Seriously? What the heck?!

Nominees:

• Breaking Bad
• Downton Abbey
• Game of Thrones
• House of Cards
• Mad Men
• True Detective

My Pick: …………………..Breaking Bad

Who I’d Like to Win: BrBa, True Detective

It’s a toss up. True Detective came out of god knows where and blew everyone out of the water in its introductory season. However, in it’s final season, Breaking Bad kept it’s artistic integrity and wowed us all. So I’d be happy if either show won. But let’s give Breaking Bad the farewell it deserves.

An Open Letter to the Douche Who Told Me to “Shut Up” During the Midnight Premiere of Godzilla

[Spoilers Ahead]

Have you ever been to the Cineramadome, sir? Have you sat in the hallowed halls of movie history and watched a spectacle unveil before your eyes? Were you there during the premiere of Anchorman 2, where the ticket tearers dressed like the legendary Ron Burgundy? Did you see The Wolf of Wall Street on it’s opening day (Christmas) and laugh yourself to tears alongside everyone else in the theater during the Lemmons scene? Have you ever sat in that theater and watched a movie with an audience and had a good time?

More related to this particular subject however: did you watch Godzilla last night? Were we in the same theater? Were you not sitting directly in front of me as we both witnessed the massive, amazing Godzilla visualize humanity’s worst fears of urban terrorism? Did you not watch a school bus full of children narrowly avoid getting destroyed by massive monsters that put Clover (but not the Kaiju–they’re still bigger) to shame? Were you not totally frightened and totally floored by the badass sound editing and fantastic production design that created one of the best atmospheres I’ve ever seen in a giant monster movie? Were you not amused at the fact that there was no real main character to follow and that nobody besides Bryan Cranston had any actual personality? Were you not shocked that Bryan Cranston himself, who was all over the ads for this film and was a main pull for a lot of the audience, dropped dead after only 40 minutes? Was your heart not pounding as you watched that puppy dog run down the street to avoid a massive tsunami? As Kick Ass/John Lennon/The Mustache Dude In Anna Karenina lied down on the train tracks, keeping as silent as possible as a radioactive-material consuming demon crept around him?

Were you too confused at the logistics of the American military when they just decided to nuke the heck out of San Francisco? Did you not laugh at the ridiculous little Godzilla jokes, like the iguana crawling around? Were you not eagerly and impatiently waiting through the first hour of the movie before they finally showed Godzilla himself in all his building-crushing glory? Were you not amused at the fact that there were two other monsters added to the mix? Furthermore, did you not clap along with the rest of the audience as Godzilla shot lightning out of it’s mouth, triggering a “woo” from me before you turned around and so sternly demanded that I “shut up?”

Is Godzilla such a serious film to you that you find that the rest of the theater must enjoy it in total apocalyptic silence, similar to the silence that lead shots of the ravaged San Francisco? Did you consider it a thinker piece? Was Godzilla your 12 Years a Slave? Did we have to examine ourselves as human beings as we watched it? Could we not perhaps say “woo” (along with everyone else in the theater) when our literal hours of waiting for Godzilla to finally kick ass paid off? Did you really find it necessary, when everyone else around you was also celebrating as Godzilla decimated the other monster, to turn around and select only me to say “Shut Up” to? Was it necessary, when there are a million more polite ways to request someone be quieter in a theater, when all of your hipster friends sitting to the right of you were being louder than me, when the entire audience is actually enjoying themselves? Was it appropriate to pick me, when I was quiet during the tense moments, during the moments of exposition, during the moments where it was necessary to be quiet? Was it truly I, sir, that truly deserved you channeling your hateful and loveless attitude towards?

Did you go into it expecting Best Picture Of The Year? Were you confused that I laughed during the ridiculous moments and said “woo” when Godzilla shot lightning out of his mouth? Did you expect everybody to take it seriously? Did we not watch the same movie, wrought with campy references and laugh-out-loud metacisms? Did you honestly expect something deep and meaningful from the remake of freaking Godzilla, one of the most beloved and ridiculous movie monsters of all time? Did you expect anything more or less than a ridiculous crowd-pleaser?

Have you ever been to a midnight premiere at all? Even outside the Cineramadome–have you ever gone to a premiere at your local Harkins or AMC? The Dark Knight? Did you gasp when The Joker took that guy out with a pencil? The Return of the King? Did you clap after Legolas single-handedly took down the oliphant? Do you understand how audiences at midnight premieres for blockbuster films function?

And an even more open rhetorical question: have you ever enjoyed a movie ever? Have you ever felt emotions? Did you cry your eyes out at Marley & Me? Did you fan out when Thor’s hammer hit Captain America’s shield in The Avengers? Did you have an existentialist crisis during The Master? Did you get heart palpitations during the last 30 minutes of Argo?

The way you turned around and very rudely demanded that I “shut up” during Gareth Edwards’ Godzilla which apparently, to you, is the most serious film endeavor of all time, makes me think no, you don’t understand emotions or joy. I truly hope you do, someday, not just for your own sake, but also for your ugly girlfriend’s sake and for your hipster friends’ sake. Otherwise, enjoy dying angry, bitter, and alone.

 

Maddison’s Oscar Breakdown

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time where, as Jimmy Fallon states, celebrities get all dressed up to get judged by people at home in their sweatpants. And how, Jimmy Fallon. It’s a wonder I’m even leaving my room tonight, but my friend Anne promised to make me Mac and Cheese if I watched the Oscars with her. Yes, the glory of the Academy Awards is finally upon us, and by glory, I mean the insatiable, bitterly-burning disappointment that always precedes and proceeds the handing out of completely meaningless statues. Remember a couple years ago when David Fincher lost his well-deserved Best Director to Tom Hooper, whose groundbreaking use of funny wallpapers and the rule of thirds championed him to victory? Remember just last year when Paul Thomas Anderson’s electrically disturbing masterpiece The Master was not only snubbed in the Best Picture territory, but Best Cinematography, Best Score, and both actor categories for Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix? Yes, what lovely times these all were, and the fact that I’m very passive aggressively writing about them now shows a lot about me. So I promised myself, this year, this year, even if Inside Llewyn Davis, Mud, and A Place Beyond the Pines were all unjustly snubbed, that I’m not going to get upset. Even if the media princess Jennifer Lawrence (who I do adore, but again, bitterness at the Academy) is given another Oscar over the incendiary Lupita Nyong’o, even if Gravity wins every single technical award, I’m not going to get upset.

That being said, I’m still going to write a very strongly-worded post about the Oscars, and break down my personal opinions for each category (except for the short films because I don’t care). But I’m not gonna get mad. Nope.

Nominees: American Hustle, Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyers Club, Gravity, Her, Nebraska, Philomena, 12 Years A Slave, The Wolf Of Wall Street

My Pick: 12 Years A Slave

What I’d Like To Win: The Wolf of Wall Street, or a write-in win for Inside Llewyn Davis

So there’s been a lot of discussion this year for what’s going to take Best Picture, and a lot of people have been saying American Hustle. Now, and I’m being mild when I say this, if American Hustle does indeed win, I will probably flip a desk. In my personal opinion, American Hustle was the Lincoln of this year. You get a director with a lot of buzz, an incredible production design (i.e. lots of money), a cast on top of their game, and you’re going to get a Good Movie, but in such a by-the-book way that I find it almost offensive the people would think it would win. Gravity also has a lot of talk, and I wouldn’t be so mad if Gravity won, because it’s not nominated for best screenplay, which is good because the dialogue in that movie was pretty much trash. It would be sort of odd if Gravity won because I don’t think it was half as well rounded as some of the others nominated. My pick to win is 12 Years A Slave, which is actually a movie I really loved and enjoyed and would be happy to see win. Again, it’s more well rounded, and for some reason, seems a lot less bait-y than American Hustle. However, seeing as The Wolf of Wall Street is in the running for my favorite film of last year for a number of reasons, I would love to see Marty get one here.

And of course, if a write-in win for Inside Llewyn Davis occurred, I would be pretty stoked. I’m not going to launch into my confused rant about why it wasn’t nominated (there are only nine nominees in this category, when there are usually ten…. leaving one blank spot… where they just decided not to nominate it? I guess?), but the fact that it wasn’t is genuinely offensive to me. The Academy has an opportunity to rectify that–though obviously I doubt it’s actually going to happen.

Nominees: American Hustle, Gravity, Nebraska, 12 Years A Slave, The Wolf of Wall Street

My Pick: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

What I’d Like To Win: Alfonso, or maybe a write-in for Spike Jonze? No?

One thing that is absolutely inarguable about this year as far as I’m concerned, is that Gravity absolutely killed it as far as technicalities go. The opening shot of that film was one of the most glorious one-takes I’ve ever seen. It was impeccable. Writing and other shenanigans aside, it was beautifully crafted and deserves most of the awards it gets this year. Even though it’s sort of unfair to the other great directors who did impeccable work (Marty kills it every time, 12YAS is probably Steve McQueen’s masterpiece), Alfonso blew it out of the water. There’s really not much more to be said. I’m putting in a little nod to Spike Jonze here though, because Her was probably also one of his most beautifully shot films so I would’ve liked for him to at least have been nominated (Take out David O. Russell for American Hustle? Yes? No?) but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for him this year.

Nominees: Christian Bale, Bruce Dern, Leonardo Dicaprio, Echiwetel Ejiofor, Matthew McConaughey

My Pick: McConaughey

Who I’d Like To Win: Literally anyone but Christian Bale

This category is a little tough for me and if you’d asked me before the SAG’s and the Globes who was going to win, I would have easily picked Chiwetel. However, after McConaughey got both the awards I mentioned and I actually went to go see Dallas Buyers Club for myself, I was convinced that McConaughey was gonna take it. Can we just talk about for one second how awesome McConaughey became this past year? Seriously–when did he start being an actor who actually did actor-y stuff? Mud, Wolf of Wall Street, Dallas Buyer’s Club, and recently True Detective… the guy’s on fire. I’d like to see him get the Oscar. If his acceptance speech isn’t the chest pumping thing form Wolf of Wall Street though, they should probably take the award away from him.

There were a lot of really excellent performances this  year. Bruce Dern in Nebraska was fantastic. Leonardo, again, kills it–and I am sorry that he’s not going to get it. I’d be extremely happy if he did, but I just don’t see it. Honestly, I’d be happy if anyone won, just not Christian Bale. Because while I really like Christian Bale, when the most you did for a role was get fat… sorry, but no.

Nominees:  Amy Adams, Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock, Judi Dench, Meryl Streep

My Pick: Cate Blanchett

Who I’d Like To Win: Cate Blanchett

This category isn’t even a competition. Sorry everyone else. Sorry folks boycotting Woody Allen now. Cate’s got this in the bag. No arguments.

Nominees: Barkhad Abdi, Bradley Cooper, Michael Fassbender, Jonah Hill, Jared Leto

My Pick: Jared Leto

What I’d Like To Win: Jonah Hill

Okay, okay, okay–I know Jonah’s not going to win, all right? But can you imagine how excellent it would be if Jonah Hill won an Oscar for The Wolf of Wall Street? That would be so, so, so, awesome. I might even like the Oscars again if that happened. I might even forgive them for snubbing Raging Bull back in 1980. Anyway, yeah, Jared Leto was amazing in Dallas Buyer’s Club. I know a lot of people are giving him smack because acting faintly LGBTQ on film shouldn’t be Oscar Worthy, but I urge those people to actually go see the movie because they clearly didn’t. Fassbender would also be an excellent winner though, his performance in 12YAS was the most frighteningly beautiful visage of cognitive dissonance on film this year.

Nominees: Sally Hawkins, Jennifer Lawrence, Lupita Nyong’o, Julia Roberts, June Squibb

My Pick: Lupita Nyong’o

Who I’d Like To Win: Lupita Nyong’o

I swear to god. If the Academy gives Jennifer Lawrence the Oscar over Lupita Nyong’o….

Wait, no. I said I’m not going to get upset.

Okay.

Okay. Not upset.

It’s gonna be fine. They’re gonna give it to Lupita. Right?

…Right?

RIGHT?!

Nominees: The Act of Killing, Cutie and the Boxer, Dirty Wars, The Square, 20 Feet From Stardom

My Pick: The Act of Killing

What I’d Like To Win: The Act of Killing

Okay so I might not be the scholar on documentaries this year since I only saw The Act of Killing and Dirty Wars, but honestly, after reading up on the other nominees, I’m pretty convinced that The Act of Killing is going to take it. It was honestly one of the most disturbing films I have ever seen. And I sat through Cannibal Holocaust. It shook me to my absolute core and absolutely deserves recognition for that. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Nominees: The Croods, Despicable Me 2, Ernest & Celestine, Frozen, The Wind Rises

My Pick: Frozen

What I’d Like To Win: Is it too early for The Lego Movie? #LegoMovie2015

Maybe I should care more about the Best Animated Picture category. But I don’t that much. I saw Frozen and watched The Croods while I was babysitting. I’m sure The Wind Rises is beautiful because Hayao always makes beautiful things, but let’s be real. It’s not going to win over the Disney/Pixar darling of the year.

Nominees: The Broken Circle Breakdown, The Great Beauty, The Hunt, The Missing Picture, Omar

My Pick: What do you mean Blue is the Warmest Color wasn’t nominated?

What I’d Like To Win: What?

But it won the Palme D’or? I’m so confused? I don’t know. Roeper says The Great Beauty is going to win so I guess I’ll go with him on this one?

Nominees:  American Hustle, Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyer’s Club, Gravity, 12 Years A Slave

My Pick: Gravity

What I’d Like To Win: I don’t care, Gravity I guess.

The editing in The Wolf of Wall Street was weirdly off par for a Martin Scorsese movie. That’s the only thing that blew my mind when it comes to editing this year. Anyway, yeah, Gravity. Whatever.

Nominees: American Hustle, Gravity, The Great Gatsby (why?), Her, 12 Years A Slave

My Pick: American Hustle.

What I’d Like To Win: Please god, anything but The Great Gatsby. Her, if the gods are good.

This is the only award I’d be okay with American Hustle winning, only because it means it would beat out The Great Gatsby, which is a film that made me so mad on so many different levels. Go David O! You got this! Screw Baz Luhrmann! Woo!

Nominees: The Grandmaster, Gravity, Inside Llewyn Davis, Nebraska, Prisoners

My Pick: Gravity

What I’d Like To Win: INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS OH MY GOD

Because this is one of the few categories Inside Llewyn Davis is actually nominated for, I would love for it to win. It deserves everything this year. It was so perfect. I don’t know why it got snubbed. Please, someone explain it to me. Somebody, please. PLEASE. IT WAS SO GOOD. IT WAS SO GOOD. 

Along a similar vein, if the Cinematography category is apparently the “here let’s throw the snubbed best picture guy sin here” category this year, then why wasn’t Cianfrance nominated for The Place Beyond The Pines? And even though the movie itself was sort of terrible, Refn’s Only God Forgives was pretty beautiful. And Jeff Nichols’ Mud was gorgeous too.

Also, the cinematography in 12 Years a Slave was absolutely impeccable. Did the Academy just… forget? Or something?

Whatever. Who knows.

Nominees: Gravity, The Hobbit, Iron Man 3, The Lone Ranger, Star Trek: Into Darkness

My Pick: Gravity

What I’d Like To Win: Gravity

I liked how this category just sort of forgot that Pacific Rim existed this summer as well.

The Lone Ranger now gets to put “Oscar Nominee” on the dvd box. Let that sink in.

Nominees: Dallas Buyers Club, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, The Lone Ranger

My Pick: Wha… Dallas Buyers Club, obviously.

What I’d Like To Win: I mean… obviously.

I am so confused.

Nominees: American Hustle, The Grandmaster, The Great Gatsby, The Invisible Woman, 12 Years A Slave

My Pick: The Great Gatsby

What I’d Like To Win: Literally anything but The Great Gatsby

I don’t care if the costumes were pretty, I hated that stupid movie.

Nominees: The Book Thief, Gravity, Her, Philomena, Saving Mr. Banks

My Pick: Stephen Brice, Gravity

What I’d Like To Win: HER PLEASE PLEASE

My favorite thing about the Best Original Score category is that no matter what movie he’s scoring, John Williams will, without fail, be nominated. He could score the next Transformers film and they’d put him in here. He won’t always win, but he’ll always be nominated. Anyway, Gravity is going to take it, but I would cry out of joy if Owen Pallett & William Butler got their recognition for their Her score because it was absolutely gorgeous. Not just because I’m a crazy Arcade Fire fan and not only because I fangirl over Owen Pallett’s other work, but because it actually is genuinely one of the prettiest scores I’ve heard in a long time. But oh well.

Nominees: Despicable Me 2, Frozen, Her, Mandela

My Pick: Let It Go, Frozen

What I’d Like To Win: Anybody but U2

I am championing for Pharrell to get a start on his EGOT this year. The Moon Song from Her is beautiful as well. Frozen is going to win, because duh, but it’s all all right, because as long as I don’t have to look at Bono’s dumb sunglasses as he gets an Oscar, I’ll be contented.

Nominees: All Is Lost, Captain Phillips, Grabity, The Hobbit, Lone Survivor

My Pick: Gravity

What I’d Like To Win: Gravity

Let’s not pretend any of the films mentioned this year are better than Gravity in terms of sound, when the sound editing in Gravity was pretty much what made the movie. 

Nominees: Captain Phillips, Gravity, The Hobbit, Inside Llewyn Davis, Lone Survivor

My Pick:  Sigh. Gravity.

What I’d Like To Win: ………Inside Llewyn Davis….?

There’s a joke to be made about gravity belts here. Like, one more win for Gravity to put under it’s Belt?

Haha?

Nominees: Before Midnight, Captain Phillips, Philomena, 12 Years A Slave, The Wolf of Wall Steet

My Pick: 12 Years a Slave

What I’d Like To Win:  The Wolf of Wall Street

Finally, a category that actually has some competition. So I’m pretty sure that 12 Years is going to get it because it was an impeccable script. It was written really theatrically and I loved it for that, the language was just as beautiful as the performances and the cinematography. It was amazing.

That being said, if the Wolf of Wall Street’s record-breaking curse parade of a script won a bloody Oscar for best screenplay… well that would just be great, wouldn’t it?

Nominees: American Hustle, Blue Jasmine, Dallas Buyers Club, Her, Nebraska

My Pick: Her

What I’d Like To Win: Please, please, please, please Her. Just, not American Hustle. Not for best original screenplay. This is my category. David, you can have the rest of the Oscars. You can have best picture if you want, I don’t care. Just please, don’t take this away from me. It’s all I have.

I believe in you, Spike. I believe in you. 

Well that was fun. I don’t know why I’m putting in this last little bit to talk about snubbed films since I pretty much covered it in the breakdown, but whatever. Doin’ it anyway.

So, yeah, Mud was an amazing movie that came out this year. And it came out the same day as The Great Gatsby so I don’t know why Gatsby is getting some nods while Mud is getting left behind. I think that was McConaughey’s performance of the year–real talk–better than Dallas Buyers Club, even. And the cinematography was absolutely beautiful.

A Place Beyond The Pines is sort of a polarizing film, but I think Bradley Cooper’s performance in that far surpassed his in American Hustle. The screenplay was also fantastic, and yet, nothing.

Pacific Rim, I know, is not exactly what comes to mind when you think of an Oscar Worthy Film, but heck. Not even for Visual Effects? The Oscars threw a nod at Michael Bay for visual effects, and they can’t give one to Guillermo? Come on.

There was a lot of controversy in regards to the french film Blue Is The Warmest Color. I think it was something having to do with the timing of it’s release that didn’t allow it to get thrown into the Oscar pool which is why it wasn’t nominated for the respective categories it should’ve been (Best lead/supporting actress, best foreign film, probably best picture even) but I’m going to mention it here anyway just because I can.

I really don’t think I need to mention Inside Llewyn Davis again. What was the Academy thinking. What were they thinking?! Not even just for Best Picture, but Oscar Isaac’s performance was so out of this world I can’t believe he wasn’t recognized for it. I guess he has to change his name to Golden Globe Isaac now.

Have a great Oscar Sunday, everyone.

Jack and Jilling

[Original Publish Date: January 5, 2013]

The other day I was browsing the internet per-the-usual, and I stumbled across a post on the popular blogging site Tumblr. On this particular post was a screencap of an IMDB page for a film that was to be released entitled “This is the End.” The picture included the cast list, and the names of the characters in the film. Tumblr was clearly excited for the movie because it managed to get reposted nearly 83 thousand times, along with the caption of the original poster, which read, “There have been talks of an All-Star cast in the past… but this, my friends, is the most perfect cast ever created. I cannot wait for this movie.”

I have to say that after reading the first three names on the list, Emma Watson, James Franco, and Jonah Hill, I too thought the cast looked excellent. It was only when I looked over to see the names of their characters that I discovered the truth about this film—it was yet another prime example of Jack and Jilling.

Let me preface further description of This is the End by first explaining to you how the term Jack and Jilling came about, and what it means.

While I was perusing the net one evening, searching for reliable film-related websites, I found myself watching a 70-minute-long review of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. It was entertainingly thorough, and thus, I found myself a regular visitor of the website that had created it: Red Letter Media. Red Letter Media prides itself on being… well, rather nitpicky when it comes to film, with an overly-snarky and hard-to-impress attitude. They break down films piece-by-piece and build it back up through their absurdly detailed reviews. While it’s not exactly the site you’d visit to decide what movie to see in the theatre next, it’s definitely entertaining to more devoted (and cynical) movie-goers. I don’t always agree with Red Letter Media’s views (in fact, I can say I ardently disagree with a reasonable amount of what they have to say), but it is fair to say that they are intensely comprehensive when it comes to information on cinema.

One of their reviews specifically stuck out in my mind. It was a review for a film that they stated, “Would change your life.” What film is that, you might ask? Why, it’s Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill, of course!

Oh, but not in a good way. Jack and Jill, though appearing to be a lighthearted, run-of-the-mill, comedy, is much more sinister.  This isn’t even my bias leaking through. I understand that taste in film is subjective. One person might find something funny that another person does not. Another person might be driven to tears by something the first person thought was foolish. However, those kinds of opinions are reserved for movies that are, actually, movies. Jack and Jill is not a movie. Jack and Jill ceases to be a movie when you see the motives behind its creation. And I assure you, with something as transparent as Jack and Jill, they aren’t exactly invisible.

It is not the uncreative plot that makes this film bad. It is not the truly dreadful quality of the acting or the writing. As I said earlier, Jack and Jill is not a movie. We cannot judge it by the same presets we would judge a real movie by. If we were to do that, you would get what was expected: a 3% on Rotten Tomatoes, a 23 on Metacritic, and a rousing “ignore” from acclaimed critic Roger Ebert. No: we should judge Jack and Jill by what it truly is:  a blatant scam.

In that regard, I tip my hat to the King Fraud Adam Sandler for manipulating his fan’s pockets into a personal piggy bank. He is a master of that particular trade. And things like Jack and Jill (things that are not movies) are his medium. Like Picasso to oils, is Adam Sandler to… scam… commercial… projections of fake-movies.

Jack and Jill is a trick. It tricks the audience into thinking they’re watching a film through cheap jokes and forced sentiment. What they are really watching is a giant, cheap, commercial.

I would highly suggest you watch Red Letter Media’s entire review of Jack and Jill. However, since you people all have lives to live that can’t be wasted watching hour-long reviews of Adam Sandler films, I doubt you will. So I will neatly sum up what they have to say.

Jack and Jill is a cheap-looking movie. There is little to no effort put into makeup or effects. The sets are poorly crafted. The entire film looks like an SNL skit. However, the budget for this film was an estimated 79 million dollars. To put that in perspective, we will compare it to the budgets of two other 2011 films that look insurmountably better: Cabin in the Woods, with a budget of 30 million, and Drive, with a budget of 15 million. How does that make sense? Why do these films look so much better than Jack and Jill? Where did 79 million dollars go if not to effects or makeup or design or work of any kind? Not to mention that 79 million isn’t even including the vast extra amounts of money given by advertisers for product placement (and trust me, there is a lot of it).

Before I go on, I would like to not get sued for libel by making a notation that this is merely a theory. Maybe the makeup artists worked really, really hard on Adam Sandler’s…wig. Maybe the wig was made out of the finest silken hairs in the land… or something.  Maybe they had to spend 50 million dollars of the budget on the wig. Or maybe Happy Madison (Adam Sandler’s production company) just took all the money to overpay the actors (Adam Sandler and all of his SNL friends). He doesn’t care about the quality of work. He isn’t trying to win Oscars. He is trying to turn a profit. He writes a script in a weekend. He calls his actor and producer friends. They film this thing for a month or two. They release it. And it makes a worldwide gross of 150 million dollars. Enough people around the world go to see these abominations for it to earn 150 million dollars. And Adam Sandler gets richer and richer.

That is the definition of Jack and Jilling. In a neater sense, here is a quote from Red Letter Media’s review:

Adam Sandler says, “Hi, I’m Adam Sandler. I have lots of pull, I have lots of box office hits (not necessarily in the critical definition of hit, but in the financial definition of hit), I can make some phone calls. We’ll put together this really cheaply made product called Jack and Jill. I can raise this amount of budget for it (x amount of dollars), and I’m going to call up all my old friends and give them horribly inflated paychecks to be in it, and at the same time get giant checks from big name advertisers to also give us money. We’ll cash all these paychecks and we’ll release this bomb into the theatres, and who gives a shit what the critics say, people will go watch it… and everyone will be happy.”

“So what’s wrong with that?” you might ask, “Companies making products for a profit. It happens all the time. That’s what business is.” Well, there are a couple things wrong with that. It does not only belittle the medium by turning film into fast food. It does not only make millionaires out of talentless hacks. What Jack and Jillingdoes, is laugh at us. All of them—Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Tim Herlihy—they sit in their mansions and laugh as all the mindless zombies go to the theatre to eat their garbage. And it is insulting. You should be insulted, because these people think that you and I are so dumb. And what’s more is that they are bordering on being correct.  Maybe we are all just dumb, because if their plans didn’t work, then these things wouldn’t continue to be made.

It’s not just Adam Sandler. Look at Gary Marshall: the director of two movies that were literally the same. Look at this thing coming out in a few weeks. And finally, let’s get back to This is the End, a fake-movie that is especially disappointing.

The title for the movie is This is the End. It is directed by Seth Rogen. It is written by Seth Rogen. Seth Rogen is in it, playing a character named… Seth Rogen. And good god, I usually respect Seth Rogen (50/50 was a great film)! Who else is in it? Paul Rudd plays a character named… Paul Rudd. Jonah Hill plays a character named… Jonah Hill. Michael Cera plays a character named… Michael Cera. Do you see where this is going? It unfortunately does not stop there.

This is the End is Jack and Jilling us again. And audiences are going to pay ten dollars to go and see this two-hour-long Funny or Die video, and these people are going to make fortunes off of it. All these actors all probably showed up at James Franco’s house one night and did improv for a few hours, taking turns filming one another on their iPhones. Then they probably employed some poor USC film students to edit the thing into a “movie.” And somewhere, Philip Seymour Hoffman is shaking his head in utter disgrace. Of course, I haven’t seen the film, so maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s hope. Maybe it actually will be a work of art. Maybe its existence won’t make me cry myself to sleep at night. But it’s dreadfully apparent laziness tells me that what little hope I have is unfounded. It’s Jack and Jilling. It’s all just Jack and Jilling.

You won’t stop going to these movies, I know. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. You laugh at the man falling down the stairs because a man falling down the stairs is funny. And so, they are right to make a two hour long movie of a man falling down the stairs. They are right to turn a profit off our generic laughter. It doesn’t hurt anyone except those who are too emotionally attached to movies. Never mind Adam Sandler being in the 1% and stealing all the money right along with the Wall Street executives. Never mind the trivialization of film as an art form, making good movies so far and few between. McDonald’s product doesn’t cheapen 5-star-restaurant’s products, so why should Jack and Jill cheapen the quality of good cinema?

Unfortunately, it all costs the same amount of money to go to any movie. The ten dollars you spent to see Jack and Jill on Friday, November 25th could have been ten dollars you spent to see Martin Scorsese’s Hugo. But who cares about Hugo, really. Leave all those “dry, boring” films to the pretentious people. You weren’t in the mood for spectacular effects or magical acting. You were in the mood to go to the theatre with your friends and laugh at Adam Sandler falling down…without even realizing that Adam Sandler is the one laughing at you.