Every time any of these awards shows rolls around, I find myself asking, “Why do I care so much? What purpose do these hokey award ceremonies serve? What is the point?”
Last night during the ever-so-acclaimed VMA’s, I saw people ranting on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, about the great tragedy that was Beyonce getting robbed by Katy Perry. My first reaction to this was to shake my head and say, “who actually cares?” But now I am realizing how incredibly hypocritical that is of me. During the Emmys last year, I tweeted a picture of my friend’s brother’s spear and noted (jokingly [maybe]) that that was the article i was going to commit seppuku with if the Big Bang Theory won in any category it was nominated in.
My attitude towards such things have not changed in the slightest. I don’t have the spear on hand tonight, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Earlier in the year I remember driving around Los Angeles and seeing all of the billboards plastered with various series, actors, all with the classic slogan, For Your Consideration. It was almost fascinating, seeing all the shows put themselves out there like that, and I wonder what it’s all for. Critical acclaim in being an Emmy Winning Television Program? The much sought-after reverence it beholds? Because truly, what does an Emmy do? I couldn’t name you one show that one an Emmy five years ago. I could probably hazard a guess that it was like, Mad Men or something, but even so, do I really care?
Again: what is the point?
I really don’t know.
But I have a bet with my friend over 100 dollars in who’s picks are better, so I guess I’ll write this article anyway.
Nominees:
- Andre Braugher (Brooklyn Nine Nine)
- Adam Driver (Girls)
- Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
- Ty Burrell (Modern Family)
- Fred Armisen (Portlandia)
- Tony Hale (Veep)
My Pick: Andre Braugher
Who I’d Like to Win: Andre, Adam Driver, literally anyone exept the nerds from Modern Family
I don’t know about you all but I am absolutely exhausted by the Modern Family sweeps. With such enriching and fascinating comedy programs out there, why do the Emmy’s always pick safe? I’m done. Brooklyn 99 is a refreshing sitcom and Andre deserves it.
Nominees:
- Mayim Bialik (The Big Bang Theory)
- Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
- Allison Janney (Mom)
- Kate Mulgrew (Orange Is The New Black)
- Kate McKinnon (SNL)
- Anna Chlumsky (Veep)
My Pick: Kate Mulgrew
Who I’d Like to Win: Kate Mulgrew
I might be a little biased because as far as comedy this year goes, Orange Is The New Black, Louie, and Girls pack the punch. I’d say Brooklyn Nine Nine does as well, but unfortunately it’s not nominated in half the categories it deserves it, so I’ll go with the next best thing. Kate Mulgrew slays with “Red” on Orange is the New Black, and deserves every bit of recognition. I, in fact, wonder why half the cast of OITNB isn’t nominated here.
Nominees:
- Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
- Jim Carter (Downton Abbey)
- Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones)
- Josh Charles (The Good Wife)
- Mandy Patinkin (Homeland)
- Jon Voight (Ray Donovan)
My Pick: Aaron Paul. Please.
Who I’d Like to Win: AARON PAUL. PLEASE.
LOOK THE REST OF Y’ALL CAN WIN YOUR EMMY’S NEXT YEAR. THIS IS THE LAST YEAR FOR AARON TO NAB A THIRD ONE AND HE FREAKIN’ DESERVES IT OKAY?! YOU CANNOT LOOK ME IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW AND TELL ME THAT AFTER WATCHING JESSE PINKMAN GET SMASHED INTO THE GROUND TIME AND TIME AGAIN ONLY TO BE RELEASED IN THE MOST LIBERATING AND JOYOUS OF FASHIONS THAT HE DOES NOT DESERVE IT.
DON’T TOUCH ME.
DON’T TOUCH ME!
Nominees:
- Anna Gun (Breaking Bad)
- Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey)
- Joanne Froggatt (Downton Abbey)
- Lena Headey (Game of Thrones)
- Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
- Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)
My Pick: Anna Gun
Who I’d Like to Win: Anna Gun, Christine Baranski
This is a little tougher race because The Good Wife just had arguably it’s best season ever. However it’s hard to beat Anna’s stellar performance in what was a near perfect final season of Breaking Bad. Maggie Smith and Lena Headey also brought the fire as usual, but I don’t think it’s their year.
Nominees:
- Colin Hanks (Fargo)
- Jim Parsons (The Normal Heart)
- Joe Mantello (The Normal Heart)
- Alfred Molina (The Normal Heart)
- Matt Bomer (The Normal Heart)
- Martin Freeman (Sherlock)
My Pick: Oh. Well. Uh. Matt Bomer, I guess.
Who I’d Like to Win: Uh. I dunno. Whoever.
Wow. I guess we know what’s winning best TV movie.
Nominees:
- Frances Conroy (American Horror Story)
- Kathy Bates (American Horror Story)
- Angela Bassett (American Horror Story)
- Allison Tolman (Fargo)
- Ellen Burstyn (Flowers in the Attic)
- Julia Roberts (The Normal Heart)
My Pick: Allison Tolman
Who I’d Like to Win: Man, I don’t really care.
It’s funny how AHS is getting nominated out the wazoo when this last season was objectively it’s worst. But I’m not complaining. Allison Tolman did a great job channeling her inner Frances McDormand, so I’ll say the award goes to her.
Nominees:
- Benadryl Pumpkinpatch (Sherlock)
- Chiwetel Ejiofor (Dancing on the Edge)
- Idris Elba (Luther)
- Martin Freeman (Fargo)
- Mark Ruffalo (The Normal Heart)
- Billy Bob Thornton (Fargo)
My Pick: Billy Bob Thornton
Who I’d Like to Win: Martin Freeman
Again, maybe I’m biased because Fargo is one of my favorite movies and the series this year was just a feat of marvelous storytelling. Thornton killed it, and so did Freeman, but I think the Emmy will go to who channeled the most crazy.
Nominees:
- Helena Bonham Carter (Burton and Taylor)
- Minnie Driver (Return to Zero)
- Jessica Lange (American Horror Story)
- Sarah Paulson (American Horror Story)
- Cicely Tyson (The Trip to Bountiful)
- Kristen Wiig (The Spoils of Babylon)
My Pick: Cicely Tyson
Who I’d Like to Win: I don’t care really.
Tyson won a Tony for this performance so I guess they might as well give her an Emmy too.
Nominees:
- Louis CK (Louie)
- Don Cheadle (House of Lies)
- Ricky Gervais (Derek)
- Matt LeBlanc (Episodes)
- William H. Macy (Shameless)
- Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)
My Pick: Louie
Who I’d Like to Win: Literally anyone but Jim Parsons
I am so over The Big Bang Theory’s existence. I am over the mere idea of it being a show that people watch. Jim Parsons is a good guy and all, but this needs to end. In the year where Louis CK is nominated for almost every comedic award, I guess I’ll pick him. He’s not much of an actor, but I’ll be damned if I don’t love what he does. Ricky Gervais also pulled off a very controversial performance with ease, so it’d be great to see him get it also.
Nominees:
- Lena Dunham (Girls)
- Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
- Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Veep)
- Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly)
- Amy Poehler (Parks & Rec)
- Taylor Schilling (Orange is the New Black)
My Pick: Taylor Schilling
Who I’d Like to Win: Amy Poehler, Taylor Schilling
So Julia Louis-Dreyfus is probably going to win but out of my own stubborn spirit I’m going to pick Taylor Schilling anyway because of her amazingly cognizant and meticulously neurotic characterization in Orange is the New Black. It’d be nice to see Amy Poehler finally win for Parks and Rec, though.
Nominees:
- Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
- Jeff Daniels (The Newsroom)
- Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
- Woody Harrelson (True Detective)
- Matthew McConaughey (True Detective)
- Kevin Spacey (House Of Cards)
My Pick: Oh man. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Uh. Uh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Matthew McConaughey. I’m picking him. Okay.
Who I’d Like to Win: Any and all of these gentleman are extraordinarily deserving of the award. I would be stoked if any one of them won. What a time to be alive.
THIS IS THE CONTROVERSIAL ONE FOR ME. I bet y’all thought I was going to pick B. Cranst, didn’t ya? DIDN’T YA? And hey, man, I’m just as surprised as you are. Last October, I though Cranston was locked in for this year. But alas, the McConaissance is upon us. It’s rolling fast downhill, like a wheel. Or a flat circle. Or something.
Nominees:
- Lizzy Caplan (Masters of Sex)
- Claire Danes (Homeland)
- Michelle Dockery (Downton Abbey)
- Julianna Marguelies (The Good Wife)
- Kerry Washington (Scandal)
- Robin Wright (House of Cards)
My Pick: Robin Wright
Who I’d Like to Win: Again, any and all of these ladies are incredibly deserving. What a year for dramatic television it’s been.
But where the hell is Tatiana Maslany?!
Nominees:
- The Colbert Report
- The Daily Show
- Jimmy Kimmel Live
- Real Time With Bill Maher
- Saturday Night Live
- The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
My Pick: Colbert
Who I’d Like to Win: Colb or Jstew
The circle was broken last year when after a however-many-years-long stretch, The Colbert Report defeated The Daily Show. It was a shock and awe to us all but, c’mon, after that dance montage to Get Lucky, how could Stephen not win? I think that ball’s just gonna keep rolling.
Nominees:
- American Horror STory
- Bonnie & Clyde
- Fargo
- Luther
- Treme
- The White Queen
My Pick: Fargo
Who I’d Like to Win: Fargo
Fargo was just so good you guys. Everything else is noise.
Nominees:
- Killing Kennedy
- Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight
- The Normal Heart
- Sherlock: His Last Vow
- The Trip To Bountiful
My Pick: The Normal Heart
Who I’d Like to Win: Sherlock, but for S2E1 as opposed to S3E3.
I didn’t watch The Normal Heart. But I know it’s going to win because everyone eats up whatever Ryan Murphy feeds them.
Nominees:
- The Big Bang Theory
- Louie
- Modern Family
- Orange is the New Black
- Silicon Valley
- Veep
My Pick: Orange is the New Black
Who I’d Like to Win: OITNB, Louie
Look at this list of nominees. Look at it. How the hell is it that schlock like BBT and Modern fucking Family get nominated alongside Louie? OITNB? Even Veep and Silicon Valley? HOW? HOW?! Furthermore, how were they nominated over other amazing series like Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Girls? Parks & Rec? Seriously? What the heck?!
Nominees:
- Breaking Bad
- Downton Abbey
- Game of Thrones
- House of Cards
- Mad Men
- True Detective
My Pick: …………………..Breaking Bad
Who I’d Like to Win: BrBa, True Detective
It’s a toss up. True Detective came out of god knows where and blew everyone out of the water in its introductory season. However, in it’s final season, Breaking Bad kept it’s artistic integrity and wowed us all. So I’d be happy if either show won. But let’s give Breaking Bad the farewell it deserves.
Hanging Lampshades 