Maddison’s Emmy Breakdown

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Every time any of these awards shows rolls around, I find myself asking, “Why do I care so much? What purpose do these hokey award ceremonies serve? What is the point?”

Last night during the ever-so-acclaimed VMA’s, I saw people ranting on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, about the great tragedy that was Beyonce getting robbed by Katy Perry. My first reaction to this was to shake my head and say, “who actually cares?” But now I am realizing how incredibly hypocritical that is of me. During the Emmys last year, I tweeted a picture of my friend’s brother’s spear and noted (jokingly [maybe]) that that was the article i was going to commit seppuku with if the Big Bang Theory won in any category it was nominated in.

My attitude towards such things have not changed in the slightest. I don’t have the spear on hand tonight, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Earlier in the year I remember driving around Los Angeles and seeing all of the billboards plastered with various series, actors, all with the classic slogan, For Your Consideration. It was almost fascinating, seeing all the shows put themselves out there like that, and I wonder what it’s all for. Critical acclaim in being an Emmy Winning Television Program? The much sought-after reverence it beholds? Because truly, what does an Emmy do? I couldn’t name you one show that one an Emmy five years ago. I could probably hazard a guess that it was like, Mad Men or something, but even so, do I really care?

Again: what is the point?

I really don’t know.

But I have a bet with my friend over 100 dollars in who’s picks are better, so I guess I’ll write this article anyway.

supporting actor comedy

Nominees:

  • Andre Braugher (Brooklyn Nine Nine)
  • Adam Driver (Girls)
  • Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
  • Ty Burrell (Modern Family)
  • Fred Armisen (Portlandia)
  • Tony Hale (Veep)

My Pick: Andre Braugher

Who I’d Like to Win: Andre, Adam Driver, literally anyone exept the nerds from Modern Family

I don’t know about you all but I am absolutely exhausted by the Modern Family sweeps. With such enriching and fascinating comedy programs out there, why do the Emmy’s always pick safe? I’m done. Brooklyn 99 is a refreshing sitcom and Andre deserves it.

supporting actress comedy

Nominees:

  • Mayim Bialik (The Big Bang Theory)
  • Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
  • Allison Janney (Mom)
  • Kate Mulgrew (Orange Is The New Black)
  • Kate McKinnon (SNL)
  • Anna Chlumsky (Veep)

My Pick: Kate Mulgrew

Who I’d Like to Win: Kate Mulgrew

I might be a little biased because as far as comedy this year goes, Orange Is The New Black, Louie, and Girls pack the punch. I’d say Brooklyn Nine Nine does as well, but unfortunately it’s not nominated in half the categories it deserves it, so I’ll go with the next best thing. Kate Mulgrew slays with “Red” on Orange is the New Black, and deserves every bit of recognition. I, in fact, wonder why half the cast of OITNB isn’t nominated here.

supporting actor drama

Nominees:

  • Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
  • Jim Carter (Downton Abbey)
  • Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones)
  • Josh Charles (The Good Wife)
  • Mandy Patinkin (Homeland)
  • Jon Voight (Ray Donovan)

My Pick: Aaron Paul. Please.

Who I’d Like to Win: AARON PAUL. PLEASE.

LOOK THE REST OF Y’ALL CAN WIN YOUR EMMY’S NEXT YEAR. THIS IS THE LAST YEAR FOR AARON TO NAB A THIRD ONE AND HE FREAKIN’ DESERVES IT OKAY?! YOU CANNOT LOOK ME IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW AND TELL ME THAT AFTER WATCHING JESSE PINKMAN GET SMASHED INTO THE GROUND TIME AND TIME AGAIN ONLY TO BE RELEASED IN THE MOST LIBERATING AND JOYOUS OF FASHIONS THAT HE DOES NOT DESERVE IT.

DON’T TOUCH ME.

DON’T TOUCH ME!

supporting actress drama

Nominees:

  • Anna Gun (Breaking Bad)
  • Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey)
  • Joanne Froggatt (Downton Abbey)
  • Lena Headey (Game of Thrones)
  • Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
  • Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)

My Pick: Anna Gun

Who I’d Like to Win: Anna Gun, Christine Baranski

This is a little tougher race because The Good Wife just had arguably it’s best season ever. However it’s hard to beat Anna’s stellar performance in what was a near perfect final season of Breaking Bad. Maggie Smith and Lena Headey also brought the fire as usual, but I don’t think it’s their year.

supporting actor miniseries

Nominees:

  • Colin Hanks (Fargo)
  • Jim Parsons (The Normal Heart)
  • Joe Mantello (The Normal Heart)
  • Alfred Molina (The Normal Heart)
  • Matt Bomer (The Normal Heart)
  • Martin Freeman (Sherlock)

My Pick: Oh. Well. Uh. Matt Bomer, I guess.

Who I’d Like to Win: Uh. I dunno. Whoever.

Wow. I guess we know what’s winning best TV movie.

supporting actress miniseries

Nominees:

  • Frances Conroy (American Horror Story)
  • Kathy Bates (American Horror Story)
  • Angela Bassett (American Horror Story)
  • Allison Tolman (Fargo)
  • Ellen Burstyn (Flowers in the Attic)
  • Julia Roberts (The Normal Heart)

My Pick: Allison Tolman

Who I’d Like to Win: Man, I don’t really care.

It’s funny how AHS is getting nominated out the wazoo when this last season was objectively it’s worst. But I’m not complaining. Allison Tolman did a great job channeling her inner Frances McDormand, so I’ll say the award goes to her.

lead actor miniseries

Nominees:

  • Benadryl Pumpkinpatch (Sherlock)
  • Chiwetel Ejiofor (Dancing on the Edge)
  • Idris Elba (Luther)
  • Martin Freeman (Fargo)
  • Mark Ruffalo (The Normal Heart)
  • Billy Bob Thornton (Fargo)

My Pick: Billy Bob Thornton

Who I’d Like to Win: Martin Freeman

Again, maybe I’m biased because Fargo is one of my favorite movies and the series this year was just a feat of marvelous storytelling. Thornton killed it, and so did Freeman, but I think the Emmy will go to who channeled the most crazy.

lead actress miniseries

Nominees:

  • Helena Bonham Carter (Burton and Taylor)
  • Minnie Driver (Return to Zero)
  • Jessica Lange (American Horror Story)
  • Sarah Paulson (American Horror Story)
  • Cicely Tyson (The Trip to Bountiful)
  • Kristen Wiig (The Spoils of Babylon)

My Pick: Cicely Tyson

Who I’d Like to Win: I don’t care really.

Tyson won a Tony for this performance so I guess they might as well give her an Emmy too.

lead actor comedy

Nominees:

  • Louis CK (Louie)
  • Don Cheadle (House of Lies)
  • Ricky Gervais (Derek)
  • Matt LeBlanc (Episodes)
  • William H. Macy (Shameless)
  • Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)

My Pick: Louie

Who I’d Like to Win: Literally anyone but Jim Parsons

I am so over The Big Bang Theory’s existence. I am over the mere idea of it being a show that people watch. Jim Parsons is a good guy and all, but this needs to end. In the year where Louis CK is nominated for almost every comedic award, I guess I’ll pick him. He’s not much of an actor, but I’ll be damned if I don’t love what he does. Ricky Gervais also pulled off a very controversial performance with ease, so it’d be great to see him get it also.

lead actress comedy

Nominees:

  • Lena Dunham (Girls)
  • Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Veep)
  • Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly)
  • Amy Poehler (Parks & Rec)
  • Taylor Schilling (Orange is the New Black)

My Pick: Taylor Schilling

Who I’d Like to Win: Amy Poehler, Taylor Schilling

So Julia Louis-Dreyfus is probably going to win but out of my own stubborn spirit I’m going to pick Taylor Schilling anyway because of her amazingly cognizant and meticulously neurotic characterization in Orange is the New Black. It’d be nice to see Amy Poehler finally win for Parks and Rec, though.

lead actor drama

Nominees:

  • Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
  • Jeff Daniels (The Newsroom)
  • Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
  • Woody Harrelson (True Detective)
  • Matthew McConaughey (True Detective)
  • Kevin Spacey (House Of Cards)

My Pick: Oh man. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Uh. Uh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Matthew McConaughey. I’m picking him. Okay.

Who I’d Like to Win: Any and all of these gentleman are extraordinarily deserving of the award. I would be stoked if any one of them won. What a time to be alive.

THIS IS THE CONTROVERSIAL ONE FOR ME. I bet y’all thought I was going to pick B. Cranst, didn’t ya? DIDN’T YA? And hey, man, I’m just as surprised as you are. Last October, I though Cranston was locked in for this year. But alas, the McConaissance is upon us. It’s rolling fast downhill, like a wheel. Or a flat circle. Or something.

lead actress drama

Nominees:

  • Lizzy Caplan (Masters of Sex)
  • Claire Danes (Homeland)
  • Michelle Dockery (Downton Abbey)
  • Julianna Marguelies (The Good Wife)
  • Kerry Washington (Scandal)
  • Robin Wright (House of Cards)

My Pick: Robin Wright

Who I’d Like to Win: Again, any and all of these ladies are incredibly deserving. What a year for dramatic television it’s been.

But where the hell is Tatiana Maslany?!

outstanding variety

Nominees:

  • The Colbert Report
  • The Daily Show
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live
  • Real Time With Bill Maher
  • Saturday Night Live
  • The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

My Pick: Colbert

Who I’d Like to Win: Colb or Jstew

The circle was broken last year when after a however-many-years-long stretch, The Colbert Report defeated The Daily Show. It was a shock and awe to us all but, c’mon, after that dance montage to Get Lucky, how could Stephen not win? I think that ball’s just gonna keep rolling.

outstnang miniser

Nominees:

  • American Horror STory
  • Bonnie & Clyde
  • Fargo
  • Luther
  • Treme
  • The White Queen

My Pick: Fargo

Who I’d Like to Win: Fargo

Fargo was just so good you guys. Everything else is noise.

oustanding tv movie

Nominees:

  • Killing Kennedy
  • Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight
  • The Normal Heart
  • Sherlock: His Last Vow
  • The Trip To Bountiful

My Pick: The Normal Heart

Who I’d Like to Win: Sherlock, but for S2E1 as opposed to S3E3.

I didn’t watch The Normal Heart. But I know it’s going to win because everyone eats up whatever Ryan Murphy feeds them.

outstanding comedy

Nominees:

  • The Big Bang Theory
  • Louie
  • Modern Family
  • Orange is the New Black
  • Silicon Valley
  • Veep

My Pick: Orange is the New Black

Who I’d Like to Win: OITNB, Louie

Look at this list of nominees. Look at it. How the hell is it that schlock like BBT and Modern fucking Family get nominated alongside Louie? OITNB? Even Veep and Silicon Valley? HOW? HOW?! Furthermore, how were they nominated over other amazing series like Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Girls? Parks & Rec? Seriously? What the heck?!

outstanding drama

Nominees:

  • Breaking Bad
  • Downton Abbey
  • Game of Thrones
  • House of Cards
  • Mad Men
  • True Detective

My Pick: …………………..Breaking Bad

Who I’d Like to Win: BrBa, True Detective

It’s a toss up. True Detective came out of god knows where and blew everyone out of the water in its introductory season. However, in it’s final season, Breaking Bad kept it’s artistic integrity and wowed us all. So I’d be happy if either show won. But let’s give Breaking Bad the farewell it deserves.

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An Open Letter to the Douche Who Told Me to “Shut Up” During the Midnight Premiere of Godzilla

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[Spoilers Ahead]

Have you ever been to the Cineramadome, sir? Have you sat in the hallowed halls of movie history and watched a spectacle unveil before your eyes? Were you there during the premiere of Anchorman 2, where the ticket tearers dressed like the legendary Ron Burgundy? Did you see The Wolf of Wall Street on it’s opening day (Christmas) and laugh yourself to tears alongside everyone else in the theater during the Lemmons scene? Have you ever sat in that theater and watched a movie with an audience and had a good time?

More related to this particular subject however: did you watch Godzilla last night? Were we in the same theater? Were you not sitting directly in front of me as we both witnessed the massive, amazing Godzilla visualize humanity’s worst fears of urban terrorism? Did you not watch a school bus full of children narrowly avoid getting destroyed by massive monsters that put Clover (but not the Kaiju–they’re still bigger) to shame? Were you not totally frightened and totally floored by the badass sound editing and fantastic production design that created one of the best atmospheres I’ve ever seen in a giant monster movie? Were you not amused at the fact that there was no real main character to follow and that nobody besides Bryan Cranston had any actual personality? Were you not shocked that Bryan Cranston himself, who was all over the ads for this film and was a main pull for a lot of the audience, dropped dead after only 40 minutes? Was your heart not pounding as you watched that puppy dog run down the street to avoid a massive tsunami? As Kick Ass/John Lennon/The Mustache Dude In Anna Karenina lied down on the train tracks, keeping as silent as possible as a radioactive-material consuming demon crept around him?

Were you too confused at the logistics of the American military when they just decided to nuke the heck out of San Francisco? Did you not laugh at the ridiculous little Godzilla jokes, like the iguana crawling around? Were you not eagerly and impatiently waiting through the first hour of the movie before they finally showed Godzilla himself in all his building-crushing glory? Were you not amused at the fact that there were two other monsters added to the mix? Furthermore, did you not clap along with the rest of the audience as Godzilla shot lightning out of it’s mouth, triggering a “woo” from me before you turned around and so sternly demanded that I “shut up?”

Is Godzilla such a serious film to you that you find that the rest of the theater must enjoy it in total apocalyptic silence, similar to the silence that lead shots of the ravaged San Francisco? Did you consider it a thinker piece? Was Godzilla your 12 Years a Slave? Did we have to examine ourselves as human beings as we watched it? Could we not perhaps say “woo” (along with everyone else in the theater) when our literal hours of waiting for Godzilla to finally kick ass paid off? Did you really find it necessary, when everyone else around you was also celebrating as Godzilla decimated the other monster, to turn around and select only me to say “Shut Up” to? Was it necessary, when there are a million more polite ways to request someone be quieter in a theater, when all of your hipster friends sitting to the right of you were being louder than me, when the entire audience is actually enjoying themselves? Was it appropriate to pick me, when I was quiet during the tense moments, during the moments of exposition, during the moments where it was necessary to be quiet? Was it truly I, sir, that truly deserved you channeling your hateful and loveless attitude towards?

Did you go into it expecting Best Picture Of The Year? Were you confused that I laughed during the ridiculous moments and said “woo” when Godzilla shot lightning out of his mouth? Did you expect everybody to take it seriously? Did we not watch the same movie, wrought with campy references and laugh-out-loud metacisms? Did you honestly expect something deep and meaningful from the remake of freaking Godzilla, one of the most beloved and ridiculous movie monsters of all time? Did you expect anything more or less than a ridiculous crowd-pleaser?

Have you ever been to a midnight premiere at all? Even outside the Cineramadome–have you ever gone to a premiere at your local Harkins or AMC? The Dark Knight? Did you gasp when The Joker took that guy out with a pencil? The Return of the King? Did you clap after Legolas single-handedly took down the oliphant? Do you understand how audiences at midnight premieres for blockbuster films function?

And an even more open rhetorical question: have you ever enjoyed a movie ever? Have you ever felt emotions? Did you cry your eyes out at Marley & Me? Did you fan out when Thor’s hammer hit Captain America’s shield in The Avengers? Did you have an existentialist crisis during The Master? Did you get heart palpitations during the last 30 minutes of Argo?

The way you turned around and very rudely demanded that I “shut up” during Gareth Edwards’ Godzilla which apparently, to you, is the most serious film endeavor of all time, makes me think no, you don’t understand emotions or joy. I truly hope you do, someday, not just for your own sake, but also for your ugly girlfriend’s sake and for your hipster friends’ sake. Otherwise, enjoy dying angry, bitter, and alone.

 

Guest Review: Nicolas Winding Refn’s “Drive”

[By Ott Lindstrom]

Drive is…

Well.

Drive is a 2011 arthouse crime movie, directed by Nicholas Winding Refn. It stars Ryan Gosling, Ryan Gosling’s sweet-ass scorpion jacket, Carey Mulligan, Albert Brooks, Bryan Cranston, Ron Perlman and a whole lot of fake gore. The story revolves around the unnamed Ryan Gosling character, a stunt driver by day/getaway driver by night who befriends and ultimately falls in love with his neighbor Irene, whose husband is in prison. One thing leads to another and the unnamed driver ends up on the run from a bunch of pissed-off gangsters with a million dirty dollars in his possession. Refn won the Best Director award at the Cannes festival and the film was nominated for a number of B-tier honors, while being notably snubbed at the Oscars. Drive grossed over 77 million dollars at the worldwide box office on a 13 million budget, for a modest profit of $64 million. Drive clocks in at 100 minutes and is availablah blah blah blah.

It’s a movie, capiche? It was shot on a movie camera and it was shown in theaters. You can watch it on Netflix, torrent it off Pirate Bay and buy it on DVD and BluRay on Amazon if you feel so inclined.

But to simply characterize Drive as a film would be unfair, if not downright doing it a disservice; Drive is just as much an art installment as a movie, a medium-transcending feast of color and sound. The variety is simply flabbergasting: from the harrowing opening scene dripping with shadow and tension to the sundrenched ethereality of a joyride down the Los Angeles spillway, Refn jumps between a cadre of moods and styles with the dexterity of a circus juggler. Every frame is executed with more aesthetic care and craftsmanship than most films can muster in their entire runtimes. The music is equally superb, an eclectic mix of deep, grimy synths and eerie vocals. Somewhat unfortunately, the musical highlight of the film comes rather early on, where the contrast of the Driver’s ascetic apartment and a neighbor’s party is accompanied by a poppy dance number, which worms its way in and out of being diegetic as the camera hops between the two rooms. It’s a fun trick, one that is sadly never topped.

However, Drive’s art gallery veneer and acoustic expertise belies that, at its core, Driveis also a video game. Certainly, it’s the most scripted and the least interactive one since Heavy Rain, but apart from the lack of quick time events and obnoxious ads for DLC and microtransactions, Drive is a perfect embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the current gaming paradigm. It is an adolescent power fantasy spiced up with visual flourish and excellent packaging, brimming with brutality for the sake of brutality (and, in one notable scene, breasts for the sake of breasts). It tells a rote crime story, its simple twists telegraphed miles away, populated by two-dimensional mannequins, vacuous husks with the masks of pretty actors grafted across the voids within. Nowhere is this inherent emptiness more apparent than when the lazy camera focuses on the Driver himself. A monosyllabic murder machine, the Driver’s binary smirk-to-straight range of facial expressions makes the internet’s memetic stereotype of Kristen Stewart look downright expressive. It’s telling of how limited Gosling’s portrayal is that the movie would have lost very little if the rubber mask the Driver dons as part of his stunt driver ensemble in the first ten minutes had remained in place for the remaining hour and a half. But it’s not just Gosling; with the exception of Albert Brook’s viciously energetic Bernie, the other characters are little better; Bryan Cranston is crotchety, gruff and not much else, Ron Perlman stands around and says “fuck” a lot, and Carey Mulligan spends a good 70% of her screen time staring silently, tearfully into the middle distance.

But here’s the weird thing: this universal shallowness works. When all the simplistic elements are working together, when the soundtrack is pounding a decadent beat and the lights and the shadows are tearing into each other like rabid beasts, Drive is a visual symphony, a dreamy exercise in art house experimentation acted out by soulless, blood spattered automatons. Logically, the whole thing should fall apart, but it doesn’t. It should collapse under its own pretension and weirdness, but it doesn’t…it’s just all the stronger for it.

Drive is truly something to behold.

*/5 “Defies a numeric summary”

Available on Netflix Instant Streaming